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Sunday, June 9, 2013

It's not my fault...

Dragon breath
Bear with me while I write out loud what I have been thinking about. Recently, I remembered a childhood story that brought up the feelings of everything is my fault.  At sixteen, my mother remarried and the family moved out of Brooklyn to Rockland County, NY. It was a very difficult move especially since I was beginning my senior year in the suburbs.... Anyway, there was a rather steep hill outside of our new home and my parents brought us a tobaggan. During one of the first big snows, my sister and I got on the tobaggan at the top of the hill after watching all of the local kids whiz down it.  I did not want to go down but one of the adults said that it would be fine.



It wasn't and I ended up injuring my shins. The injury and the memory  have stayed with me until now.
I felt guilty that I did not do the right thing and put myself and my sister at risk. Ever since I have felt vaguely guilty about many things. If my kids got sick, somehow I did not keep them healthy enough. If my clients did not get better then I could have done more. If the dog was hurt than somehow I should have known better.

 It is a  feeling of overwhelming guilt  that I have been repeating quietly to myself  for many years.
Then I began wondering how many other people do this as well. I have a strong  feeling that most of us do and never talk about it.
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