What if?

dragonfly swarm, summer of 2012

What if everything that we thought that we wanted we did not really want. What if the things that we did not want we really wanted. What if everything was turned upside down.
We are so sure that we want extreme success and yet it comes with enormous exposure and responsibility. What if we  were always happy, what would we do when we become unhappy for the first time.What if every thing  that we encountered  in our lives, we had this tremendous ambivalence about.


 I have been having dreams about just this dilemma. I  feel like every time I get close to getting what I really think that I want, I start thinking maybe I can't really have it. I feel that we sabotage ourselves all of the time and forget to just be in the moment and to be grateful for whatever  comes our way.

If we wake up, and we learn that we have inherited $1 million dollars from a distant uncle or we wake up to learn that someone that we love is sick, can we learn from the miracles of either event?  I don't think so just yet. I am still  very "judgey"  about what is a good thing to wake up to and what is not.

I would like to greet both  the challenges and blessings as miracles. I am cranky when I am simply caught in the not really knowing what I do want.  I really don't  have any answers and I just feel cranky.